This Is How It's Always Been...

As a sophomore, I participated in a winter volleyball season in January of 2019. I played consecutively in the fall from 7th grade to 10th grade, and I absolutely loved it. Middle school was my intro to volleyball. I don’t remember much from middle school sports, I just remember having a great experience. When high school started though, most of the middle school friends I had in that sport didn’t want to continue into high school, so that left me with all of the other girls I didn’t really talk to. This didn’t really bother me freshman year, but the sophomore season didn’t go well with me. This particular winter season was also only my second year in winter league while it was everyone else’s third. It didn’t really help that those other girls all had friendships amongst each other and everyone had someone they were close with; everyone except me. I often found myself warming up by myself, and even days I didn't have to warm up by myself, nobody chose to warm up with me by choice. It got to the point where I would internally panic when told to find a partner for a specific drill, because part of me already knew I would be the last person someone would choose to be with. I couldn't find a sense of belonging on that team, and it deeply affected my mentality. It seemed as though I was not reaching the levels that the other girls were achieving, regardless of how hard I practiced.

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As the season went on, mustering the courage to attend practice slowly became harder. I can recall multiple times where I attempted to fake being sick or use the, "But I have a lot of homework!" excuse to not go to practice. Spoiler alert: it didn't work. I often went to practice upset and stressed, and therefore left practice like that as well. At this point, I had a lot of self-doubt about my own abilities regarding volleyball, and eventually, this started slowly leaking into my everyday life in a very unhealthy way. School gradually lost it’s importance and my friendships were not being sustained. As if that wasn't enough to handle already, the coach gradually stopped putting me in to play during games, and I had no idea why. I felt as if the coach, and my teammates, were against me playing for some unspoken reason. 

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The Trigger

There was one tournament in particular where all my emotions let loose. We were on game #3 and I had only played roughly 5-10 minutes here and there during the previous games while other girls were coming off the court exhausted due to playing every single game. By the end of game #3, I hadn't gone in once. It took every ounce of strength I had to not to break down right then and there. My feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness started caving in on me at an alarming rate. After that game, I texted my dad, who was there watching me, begging to leave. I remember pouring out my frustration and confusion to him, while fighting tears on the way to the parking lot. As soon as I stepped foot into the truck, I ripped off my gear and let my emotions take over. I had never felt so angry, confused, and lost in my entire life. This event caused my mental health to plummet to what seemed like the lowest level possible.

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After this unfortunate situation, volleyball practices were only harder to get through because all my passion for the sport was gone, and I was still facing daily ostracism. I found myself not being able to perform even basic skills anymore. This continued for the next few weeks, as my parents expected me to finish the season, but when it was finally over, I found myself still feeling hopeless and useless, even when I had no reason to feel that way. I truly felt like I had lost parts of myself, even the aspects of myself that had nothing to do with volleyball. ​These feelings started gradually leaking into my everyday life. My motivation towards even getting out of bed was nonexistent, and my effort in school was just not the same as before. During this time, I often avoided social interaction and was content with being on my own. I even avoided spending time with close family members. This went on for a few weeks before I realized that it was time to tell someone about what I was experiencing and how serious it had become.

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The Realization

​I finally decided to talk to my mom about everything I was experiencing. All my emotions finally had an outlet, which I believe is something that helped significantly. She was able to gain some resources from people she knew, which brought us to TEAM out of Roseville, MN. When I started my therapy sessions, my therapist and I were able to identify stressors aside from volleyball, like issues I was having with my friends, the overwhelming feelings of too much schoolwork, and feeling uncomfortable at home. It was after this identification we were able to come to the conclusion that situational depression was indeed present in my life. I had no idea what situational depression was until that moment.

 

After a few therapy sessions, I was finally able to gain parts of myself back, as well as explore new things about myself that I hadn't realized before, such as newfound hobbies like painting and drawing, I found myself enjoying. Since my therapy sessions I have never felt as I did that winter of 2019, even during the lonely and stressful months of Covid, I am very grateful for the people who supported me along the way.​ My parents showed an unimaginable amount of support along the way, as well as my therapist, Corrine.

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Where I'm At Now

Since then, I decided it would be in the best interest of my mental health to quit volleyball. Even though this was a hard decision for me to make, because I loved the sport itself, in the end I knew I made the right decision. As soon as I made the decision to quit, it felt as though a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I found myself trying so many more new things and being open to accomplishing more than I could have ever imagined. For example, at the end of sophomore year, I decided to try out for cheerleading, as one of my friends convinced me to do so. I can easily say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I absolutely love my teammates, as they are super supportive. I've also developed a love for the sport as well. I finally found a place where I truly feel like I belong. 

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Why Choose Situational Depression?

My reason for choosing this topic for Why Wait is because the attention that situational depression receives is very minimal and is not something that many teens within the school district know a lot about, if anything. I want to bring as much awareness to help teens who find themselves in a situation like this to find hope and be able to navigate it by finding beneficial coping skills. I want everybody feeling lost in any way to know that it IS possible to find your way again. I am hoping that the resources I provide and the support I can create within our community can help anybody feeling down. Our community CAN grow good feelings!